How can I deny the way I feel?
By denying my feelings
I would deny myself.
I feel a craving I cannot fulfill alone.
I feel a desire I can't quite control.
I feel a warm glow flow in my chest.
I feel something being re-created
--Something long gone and deceased,
--Something that seems to grow in light,
Caused by a beauty I have before forbidden myself to see.
But now I am free to see, and,
May my Mentor forgive me,
For this is Beauty indeed,
And I want to own it.
'Beauty', he said once, 'is not to be owned;
It is to be seen, loved, admired, quite Platonically,
But it is not to be owned.
Then, it would turn into something... else.'
I believe you, O Mentor,
But this feeling I cannot deny;
This beauty I must own.
I must possess it as my own.
I must kiss him, hold him, smell him,
Savor all the beauty in that person,
Savor it as if there was no tomorrow,
Freely and joyfully,
I must hold that beauty close to me.
But why must I? Why the painful craving?
Why has the rebirth of my soul
Turned out to be more than I expected?
Why do I get less
Of all the fire I expected?
I seem to be alive again;
Not for that person, but for myself.
Though it would be just perfectly lovely
To own that beauty as I love myself.
segunda-feira, 1 de setembro de 2008
I feel dead inside.
Yesterday afternoon, my soul
was ripped from my chest.
I am really not myself.
Something has died in me,
it felt like an abortion.
There's a void in my chest.
I only wait and hope, but...
How will I bring back an
I used to see beauty and bliss,
everything is gone.
I used to feel happiness and love,
everything is gone.
I used to dream, but how could I dream?
Everything is gone...
And how will I bring beauty
back into my soul?
If I see myself now, I'll cry.
If I hear certain things now, I'll cry.
I'm not who I am anymore.
I'm not alive anymore.
I have become a zombie.
Zombie as I am, in this undead life,
All that is holy hurts me,
all that is beautiful annoys me,
all that is lovely stings.
Love stings when it's not here.
Love does not lift me anymore.
Love is petrified and still.
Will I receive a Remedy?
Will I be Revivified?
Will my love be Softened back
Will I come back alive?
...Will I come back alive?